So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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