If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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