clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
