I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Shitshow foam night was such a success
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
