and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
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