Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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