Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize