I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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