Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
