i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
