You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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