I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
