Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize