This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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