I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
