You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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