she woke up with a sticky ear
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
