Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
