Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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