I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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