So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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