K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
