Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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