Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
