he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize