i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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