Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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