make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
