just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
