He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
