I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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