Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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