I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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