I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
