I wish I could teleport
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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