You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
bring money and cleavage
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
