I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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