4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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