Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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