uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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