Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
