i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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