did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
