The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
