Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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