I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
