I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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