When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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