With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
