I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
