youre lurking in front of me
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
