if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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