They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
