How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
