oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
