I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize