An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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