take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Randomize