i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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