This dress was meant to end up on your floor
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
