I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
